i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
