please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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