She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
