Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
