Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
