I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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