you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
