Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
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