I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
