Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
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the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
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Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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