Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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