I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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