What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
