Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
