she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
