perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
