Your face is a jimmy john
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize