How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
