Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Couch. On fire.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
