Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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