I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
