Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
