So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
