I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
