plz talk dirty to me
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
