You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
that is very illegal...i love you.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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