Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
