I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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