i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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