there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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