its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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