umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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