Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
