i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Randomize
