She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
