I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
