I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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