your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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