I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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