Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
