My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
