stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
