I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
