sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
