Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
