OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
