I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
