Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
