Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
