Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
