So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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