How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
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The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
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You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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