youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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