Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
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My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
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I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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