I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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