Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
