I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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