I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
