all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
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Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
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I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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