dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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