I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
