My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
